championoftime | [Audio]

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[He turns on his audio, and there's a click. And he almost makes a post. Almost. But he can't think of what to say, so it goes away just as soon as it started.]

[Open Spam]

[And after that failure, he leaves his room to go the short distance back to the infirmary to check on people. He needs to make sure Jesse is recovering, and try not to think about what it is he did or didn't do. Or even what happened to his accent. He doesn't even know why that's one of the things he's having trouble coming back from. Or why his body suddenly feels even more like an uncertain fit.

Having something to do and someone to look out for will help.]

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And what if it wasn't about that? [Now he does look up, putting the water aside, looping his arms around his knees.] I mean, the guy had a crew to look out for, he had a captain to look up to. He had bills, debts, expenses. What's it matter how he feels about it? Maybe he was doing what he figured he needed to do to get by.

You just said that he had a crew to look out for, bills and expenses he intended to see to, a captain that he wanted to be loyal to. These aren't the traits of a terrible person. But a person can inevitably do better than just getting by. He probably could have.

Yeah? He had fat stacks, people, a job he liked... Seems like he was doing pretty good up until the end, right?

It seems like he was a good man that took a very wrong path that ended up getting him killed. Which, doesn't even make it "getting by" in the end, I don't think.

[Jesse's had enough -- his tone has been even, almost flat throughout the whole conversation, but now he snaps, with a knife edge:] Or maybe it ain't all that simple.

What do you want me to tell you, that someone who has done bad thing can never be someone who's good? That they're not important. That they deserve to be hated. That they deserve to die? [He snaps back.]

Or maybe people make choices, and maybe sometimes that means people do bad things for the right reasons and maybe sometimes it doesn't. And maybe, just maybe, some people are sick of all the poor-bastard-led like astray bullshit this place serves up, like no one who's ever given a shit was still an asshole! Hey, yo, newsflash, doctor: the world ain't like that.

No, sometimes people make easy choices. Because they're getting by. It doesn't make them sick. It deoesn't make them evil. It makes it a choice, and not a simple one. "Yes, this is familiar. I'll do it." That's not sick, that just picking what they know and sticking to it. And the more you convince yourself of that, the more you're going to have to tell that little girl she's sick and makes bad choices because of that, and not because her life has been a battlefield.

What? What are you talking about?

I'll put it this way. Some people on board could stand to make better choices if they have the choice to do so, especially those with the capacity to still care and be cared for in return. [He goes to put some tylenol and aspirin beside of Jesse's bed in a small plastic cup. The aspirin he takes a lot of care not to touch.]

No, wait, what little girl? Are you talking about Cat? What's she got to do with anything? [He ignores the medication, staring narrowly at the Doctor.] That's not the same at all. She doesn't know any better. He did.

You have an example to set. She sees herself as knowing better. [And he gives her a lot of credit for being intelligent.] Do you really want a child like her to have it confirmed that some life is less valuable than others?

[He flushes, sitting up a little straighter.] Hey, what do you think I tell her? I'm trying to get her to put down the damn sword, not pick it up again. I don't talk to her like this. She still thinks I'm sick.

Why does she think you're sick?

Because I didn't want to tell her I was coming down from meth, genius.

I thought you meant your other definition of "sick". Do you think she wouldn't have been able to understand? At least about the ingesting something poisonous and you oughtn't do it part?

Uh, no, I can't say as that's a conversation I really wanted to have. [He's played that conversation out in his head a few times, and it pretty much always ends with lots of "stupid"s and a punch in the arm.] I wouldn't have said anything, except she found me in Zero when I was, like, a day out.

You're not the only one with this problem to come through. Perhaps one day when someone is being particularly boisterous, you'd be the better man for explaining what's occurring.

[He nods to the painkillers.] No stronger than your average anti-inflamatories. Not even codeine, if it gets too much to bear.

I'm fine. Hey, yo, Cat's got a whole warden all to herself and a brother and me, and how I deal with her? That's my business, not yours. You're supposed to be helping me, right? So help me.

Believe it or not, this is supposed to be helping you. You can't always just tell people what you think that they want to hear.

What they-- you're the one who brought her into this out of, like, nowhere! I was talking about the pirate asshole I turned into that ended up getting me killed, which, way to work your bullshit counseling mojo on that-- no, it's way more important for you to sit here and tell me who I have to explain my addiction to, right? Like you ever gone through it? Like it's got fucking anything to do with this?

We were talking and sometimes subjects change. Imagine that? You were someone who murdered some people in a dream, and now you're looking for excuses to hate him. I'm not giving you those. And now you're looking for excuses to be angry and lash out at other people because you think hurting them will making them hate you will justify your own dislike. But anything you do is merely whimpering to some of what I've put up with.

So if you want to stay on topic I recommend we stay on mine. Tell me what happened, or I will look into it myself.

[It hits close enough to the mark to hurt, enough that Jesse falls briefly silent and lets the Doctor finish, eyes wide and stormy with mixed, muddied emotions.]

What happened. With. What?

[He eases up some, because he's seen that kind of hurt before. He's done it himself from time to time, when he needs someone to leave him.]

How you died. No one may be at fault, but you did experience it through someone else's eyes. And the wrong people around here won't hesitate to make you miserable over such things.

Jesus. [He sinks back and covers his eyes briefly, defeated.] It was nothing. Pirate... me... got into it with pirate Arthas and pirate Sarah, and she stabbed me.

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championoftime - 2012-03-29 13:06 (UTC) - Expand

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yeahscience - 2012-03-29 13:36 (UTC) - Expand

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