[Shouting:] I didn't mean to hurt anybody! I didn't think it would do this, not when the Barge has endured extensive damage before. I wouldn't have done it if I'd known.

...

[And he's calming down now.] I told some inmates, because I knew they wouldn't stop me. It was for them, too. Wanda shouldn't be trapped here. Neither should Ana.

A goodbye wouldn't have made you hate me any less than you do right now.

Do you think Wanda is going to appreciate being rendered powerless? That she had her choice taken away from her again?

Those inmates are just as foolish.

The sad part is I don't hate you, Rex. But I am angry. I have to face every single person I argued against, every one that I stood up to in favour of you for, and tell them that I was a fool. That I was wrong for believing in someone, and they were correct.

I would have had to do that even if you had gone.

Edited 2011-11-19 08:26 am (UTC)

That wasn't supposed to happen! Stop acting like I planned for it to kill everybody! All it was supposed to do was stop the Barge from being able to force us back. Nobody was supposed to die or lose their abilities or anything. They would just be in a world, a normal, real world without floods or breaches or false Admirals, and they could live their lives.

But you don't want to see that angle, do you? So fine, I'm a monster, they're all right, I did this because I'm insane and wanted to harm everybody, and you were a fool for trusting me. That's what you want to hear right now, isn't it?

Edited 2011-11-19 04:21 pm (UTC)

Don't start with that, either. How have you always reacted to, "I didn't mean to, I didn't know!". Recklessness and carelessness? Didn't you still want to hold them accountable?

Oh, so when you're comparing me to the Master, calling me simpering and whining, and saying the people who thought I was a monster were right about me, you're just holding me accountable. Of course.

If only I'd known this is what you thought about me all along.

Edited 2011-11-20 05:28 am (UTC)

The Master was my best friend, at one time. He was the person I cared about most. And he's the person that hurt me worst.

If I'm not supposed to project my experiences with Duke onto others, why are you allowed to do the same to me?

I said that you're doing the same things that Duke did to you. And what I meant was that I don't want to make another person that's going to turn around and destroy things that I care about, unintentionally or intentionally. That's what you're doing, Rex. And I did make him. I made the Master. I hate myself for it every day. I tried to save him, too.

Do you think I want to keep going on, knowing I might do that to someone else? If you want to run, Rex, run. I'm going to put in a request to the Admiral, with all of my hearts in hopes that he lets you go. Because otherwise, you'll only keep hurting people and getting worse. And whether or not I'm responsible, I'm going to hate myself for it.

You didn't make me. I make my own decisions. I planned to escape, and I chose it, and-- I stopped because of your TARDIS, doesn't that count for anything?

[He's quiet for a long time, angry and hurt. Then, he says evenly:] Do you think I'm beyond redemption?

No. Of course I don't.

But I'm hurt. I hate that you hurt people. I hate that you plan more of your life and actions around the people that hurt you instead of the ones that make your life better.

Would you ever be happy in a prison, Doctor?

I was when I was exiled.

Not that I was happy being exiled, no. No TARDIS. Trapped in one era. Used as military sounding board.

But I found people, and those people helped me through it and were there for me afterwards. You don't do what you do because of prison. You constructed your life around the people you hate before you even came to the ship. You have so much potential. You gave your sister strength. You save lives. You can motivate masses.

But you waste your time and energy and words on things you hate and then forget that you pull people and things you care about in with you.

...

So now what?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life fighting people? And then trying to escape it or hiding from it?

Because I can tell you for certain, as someone who has had to live that way... it's miserable and it doesn't improve. I have to, though. In every life I've had to. You have a chance not to.

I just want to be able to live my life on my own terms.

Then you'd be a prisoner even if you escaped. Unless you were the last, lonely being in the universe you still have to live in the same world as everyone else, and that means living on their terms as well. Whether you know them or not. They're the ones that decide you have food. They're the ones that sell everyday products. They're the ones that act in TV shows and write recipes and build new businesses.

They don't take your abilities or compromise your freedoms because they don't want you to defend yourself, they do it because you can't tell when you're hurting them.

You know that's not the same as being trapped on the Barge.

[He sighs sharply.] I don't want to be somebody you hate.

I don't either. [Someone Rex hates. Or for Rex to be someone that he hates.] I don't. I'm just hurt. I've been hurt quite a bit lately, not just by this. Some things take time to mend.

[And he's been having trouble finding that time in him.]

No place is the same. But you'll always be compromising yourself as long as you live how you're living.

I'm sorry. I don't-- know how to be anything else. [He sounds frustrated. At himself, this time, more than anything else.]

Yes you do. I wouldn't be so frustrated if you weren't so far from the man that I met when I first came aboard this ship.

But this is what makes sense to me.

How? It's visceral and uncivilized. Your using your scientific prowess for primitive urges and brief emotional gratification. It only would have lasted until you realized you'd rendered yourself alone in the world again.

And do you think the Barge is the only location capable of abduction? I've had more than one greater being do as much to me.

I wouldn't have been alone. It was an escape for everyone.

No, I don't.

What about all the inmates that wanted to go home. Or the wardens that have nowhere else to go?

If my needs shouldn't come before theirs, why should theirs come before mine? You keep arguing for me to choose this life on the Barge for other people's sake.

It doesn't matter, anyway. It's finished. I'm not going to try to escape again, because it's pointless.

Edited 2011-11-22 05:31 am (UTC)